I’ve been listening to a lot of classic rock lately. A resurfacing of an old hobby of mine, my Vinyl collection is expanding to far better and more interesting tunes these days. Last month I went to visit my brother in Atlanta, and I stumbled upon a really good vinyl store there. I got a hold of a rare Fleetwood Mac album that initiated me into the rabbit hole of 60’s and 70’s bands that I hadn’t heard before and that I am missing out. Cool stuff happening in my headspace lately.
I guess is a matter of focus. Where does one’s attention gears towards to? What things does one allow to settle firmly while others are treated lightly? Music, for example, has been a conscious choice throughout all my life. The soundtrack of me has been a long, uninterrupted search for sounds and lyrics that could help me decipher the phase I am going through at any particular moment of my journey. So to are friendships. Key people that have come into my life at key moments to nurture, challenge, or push me forward. Those connections are more organic, like any human connection should be, allowing for personal discoveries in relation to one self and others. Some relationships are meant to stay longer than others, and that is just the nature of it. Letting go of those that need to end, well sometimes is a tricky business. I tend to hold on to people longer than necessary. The give and take of any relationship sometimes lacks balance, and our ignorance just makes it worse.
I hold on tight. When my focus kicks in, it spotlights that which is at the center of my truth: lovers, girlfriends, sisters, husbands, parents, boyfriends, neighbors, brothers. The relationships I hold dear matter greatly. But, like any human experience, they are flawed, layered with mixed emotions, and a good dose of misunderstandings. Aren’t we supposed to stick around and make it work? How long should one hold on to a relationship that doesn’t? Or better yet, how can one be sure that a particular relationship should end in its entirety?
I am probably overthinking things, but that has been the center of my confusion in the past year. The untamed version of myself has made me question my loyalties and the way I choose my partnerships. At every level. The ways in which I have chosen to be agreeable or feisty. The situations that call for a flat “No” or the ones that require tenderness and patience. It is a slow dance of discernment and love, for myself and the others around me. We all need from each other, for the lessons to be learned or the embraces to be shared.
2020 will forever be remembered as the year of the pandemic, but for me, it will be remembered as the year I got clear on many things.
Let’s move on, shall we?